Interview with a Connector

One of Malcolm Gladwell’s best articles is “ Six Degrees of Lois Weisberg“, about a Chicago woman who seemed to know everyone and enjoyed introducing them. In The Tipping Point, Gladwell called such people Connectors. When I met a Connector, a Berkeley psychologist named Karine S., at a Los Angeles party, I wanted to know more.

You like to connect people? How do you do that?

I think the root of my desire to connect people stems from being from a collectivistic culture (Israeli). Also, friendship means a lot to me and I take it very seriously. So I like to bring friends together when I know that they will get along. I do have to say that I’m very selective about which friends I combine though. And often times people connect because they meet over and over at events/outings that I plan/initiate. But ultimately I have to say that I think that people in my life connect because of a common experience. For example, when I moved up north [the Bay Area] I spent a lot of time with friends in the time before at “going away” outings. So I think there was a common emotion experienced which led to them bonding. So now some of my friends back home and are now friends because they met through me. Of course when I come down we all get together again. I think it just comes down to making a plan and inviting a bunch of people that are my friends which leads them to connect and get along.

You say you’re selective about “which friends [you] combine”. Can you say more about this? Such as how you decide?

I guess it stems from being so sensitive and attuned to people’s feelings and experiences that I know who will hit it off and who won’t. It’s also somewhat selfish because I will end up “babysitting” people if they do not blend with others and engage. I’d like to say that most of my friends get along with each other, but there are some who have not hit it off. I think I combine those who are open to diversity and are not judgmental much more easily. Come to think of it, in big settings I combine mostly everyone. But let’s say it’s a Sunday on Melrose…window shopping, eating lunch…I invite those that I know like each other. It’s basically a personality assessment. Some people are very open to being around others and there are some people that are so uncomfortable in their own skin that they cannot be around others comfortably and it shows. And when you have known people for a long time, it doesn’t require much thought. I know I’m pretty good at doing this because there are people who share me as a friend, and now hang out because they met through me.

Can you think of a mistake you’ve made bringing people together?

One time I brought two people together who I thought would hit it off and didn’t! It was like a bad accident! I thought they would bond about things and enjoy each other and it turned out that the “philosophical” conversation turned into a battle of egos. They verbally attacked each other and it was so bad. This all happened at a restaurant and carried over to my house. One of them reassessed whether she wanted to be friends with me if I was to have this other friend in my life. I think now when someone has as strong a personality as this friend did, I make sure to talk to that person about how expressive they will be about their viewpoints. I think this issue only comes up with certain people in my life…meaning there are certain friends that I cannot bring around just anyone because they are fragile and/or not as mentally sophisticated/intelligent as the other people in my life.

A nice article critical of Gladwell’s thesis.